Say Something
by Ill-Go-Interrogate-The-Cat
Summary: AU:Briefly based on the song 'Say Something'. Sam is finding it hard to deal with Jess' death. As he pushes his loved ones away Sam becomes more alone and depressed. Soon Sam reaches his limit, he can either force himself to recover, or give up. But Sam meets someone who helps him make the right decision. Sabriel,Destiel. Warnings:Drug taking, Depression, Self-harm, Possible Slash.
1. And I am feeling so small

Everything Sam Winchester thought he once knew was no longer making sense. His world was fading away from him and he no longer knew who he was. What was he doing? Where would his pathetic life lead?

If Sam didn't have his family, then what did he have?

The drugs and alcohol was just that, a replacement of all the sunken feelings that he craved. He missed the love and respect that his family once gave him, which Jess once gave him; he desired it with a painful but true passion. It was nowhere to be found.

To put it metaphorically, Sam felt like he had been thrown in a deep, dark well. There was no possible way of climbing out and all he could do was shout and cry, whilst hoping to God that someone would hear him.

But the well was so far from any kind of human civilisation, that his crying was just that, lonely wails. No one could hear him.

It's kind of like that saying: if a tree falls in the woods, but no one heard or saw it, did it really fall? Sam felt like that tree, he was falling. If he cried it didn't matter, no one would hear. If he cut, it didn't matter, who would know? If he_ died_, and no one bothered to check if he was alive, then did he ever really exist at all?

These were all the thoughts that passed his lost mind, as he sat on the vile motel floor, drenched in his own sweat and taking in every last atom of the white powder in his hands.

Two voices battled in his head, to the death.

"What would Dean think if he saw you now?"  
"Jess would be ashamed."  
"You're disgusting!"  
"Just kill yourself. Just get it over and done with."

Then on the other side,

"This isn't right."  
"You're hurting the people around you."  
"They care. They care. They _do_ care!"  
The last one was more of a pathetic attempt to convince him. He tried, but he couldn't _really _convince himself.

As the days past, the first voice was getting the upper hand. Sam was crumbling, his existence was falling and he just didn't know how to get up anymore.

Maybe he'd find Jess when he died...

He could give her company up in the sky...

-

"SAMMY!?" A gruff voice from outside called, "SAMMY LET ME IN!"

Everything was hazy. Sam couldn't feel anything anymore. That made him smile, but weakly.

The door burst open and a man with sandy hair and millions of freckles fought his way through the humid mist and exposed needles on the floor.

"Sam!?" He cried painfully when he saw his baby brother sprawled across the floor, "SAMMY?" He was on his knees next to Sam, "Sammy? Wake up buddy."

Sam could only just make out the tears crawling down Dean's face just as he passed out.

-

The next thing he knew, Sam was on a clean hospital beds. The room was crystal white, with real sunlight cutting through the sharp and bleach-clean window. A TV lit its way up in front of him; the muffled noise of the character's voices flooded the room.

He turned his head to the right and caught site of his brother, and Cas. They were talking to a doctor, a tall man with auburn hair and a crumpled face. They seemed worried...

Tears burned the corners of Sam's eyes. A lump arose in his chest and he forcibly pushed it down again. He raised his arm, ignoring the shooting pain that arose in his side.

So many small dots were apparent in his creamy white skin. The dots were red, and he immediately knew he went too far with the injections.

Dean hadn't visited him in weeks, since Sam told him to stay back. The memory stung even more than any needle could.

Sam never hated gays, in fact he wasn't even sure if he, himself was 100% straight. But in the heat of the moment he became _so_ angry at Dean.  
It had been weeks since Sam had lost Jess. Dean announced his and Cas' already obvious relationship and Sam just couldn't help it.

Jealousy ran through him worse than any drug. He screamed at Dean, he called him a...  
_**Fag**_. He told Dean he was disgusting. Just more of those pathetic lies he used make him feel better about himself.

Sam loved his brother; he would never hurt him on purpose, in his right mind. But that's just it. Since he lost Jessica, he hadn't been in his right mind. Grief had made him a monster.

Dean noticed his brother's open eyes, and darted in the room, faster than lightning. "SAMMY!" He called, ignoring the nurses that were telling him to be gentle.

A tear broke from its grasp and fell down Sam's face, dropping on the freshly-pumped pillow.

Dean fell to his brother's side and grabbed his hands, ducking his face in the mattress.  
"Sammy, I'm so sorry... I'm so, so sorry. This is all on me. I should have looked-"  
"Dean?" Sam said weakly, staring at his brother, who raised his head slowly, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. None of it, I love you, and Cas and... and... I was so jealous... Dean I miss her. I miss her so much."  
Dean nodded, turning his attention to Sam's wrists. The thin lines of personal abuse ran from one end to the other.  
"What have you done to yourself Sammy?" Dean whispered, tracing the cuts with his finger.  
"I'm sorry Dean." Sam said helplessly. What more could he say? Dean had looked out for him, for the majority of their lives, and he threw that back in Dean's face.

Part of Sam wished that he did die: because, the pain on his brother's face was just far too much to handle.

Dean shook his head, much to his younger brother's confusion. "Don't apologize. Just promise you'll come home with me and Cas. We'll make it better." Dean said, "I need you Sammy." He assured, in a whisper again, as though anyone could take that away from him.

"I promise Dean." 


	2. And I will stumble and fall

Things were beginning to change; and for the better at that. Sam had vowed to stay away from any kind of drug, and for once he actually meant it. He wanted to appreciate the memory of Jess and not dwell on the thought of never seeing her anymore. It hurt so much less that way.

Dean and Cas were admiringly helpful. Especially when it came to looking after Sam, during his recovery stage Sam had frequent moments when he felt like he was falling, but unlike before, he _**knew**_ that he had two people who actually_ cared_ and would pick him right back up again.

His uncle Bobby heard of what happened and came straight over to their apartment, he promised to help look after Sam and stuck to his word. Bobby was the closest thing Sam had to a proper father after his, and Dean's dad, became an abusive alcoholic. Dean would care for Sam, but Bobby would provide financial help for the both of the boys, he used to take them on hunting trips and teach them what it took to be a proper man. Father things, things that John, their biological father, _should _have done.

-

It had been a year and Sam was finally recovering properly. He no longer got the persistent urges to give up. He _felt_ like his old self again and that was amazing.

However, the frequent nightmares became no less. He'd wake in the middle of the night screaming, drenched in sweat and panting like a dog. It was mostly the same dream. He was holding Jess' hand pulling her onto a cliff, but as soon as she reached the ground she'd fall backwards. Sam would try to hold onto her but her body would seem intangible. Then as soon as she came, she was gone. Never to be seen again. That hurt like nothing else Sam had ever eperinced before.

-

It was just a normal Sunday morning when Sam woke up, the nightmares had ruined his sleep, and he was exhausted. The light filled his small room, in Dean and Cas' apartment. They had taken him into the spare room and told him there was no pressure in him leaving. Honestly, if it were anyone else Sam would feel bad, like he was overstaying his welcome, but he could tell that Dean preferred it this way. He could watch over Sam like he always had, so Sam settled.

Of course, he earned his keep. Sam had a job at the dog shelter nearby, the pay wasn't great, but the job was worth it. Plus he earned enough for his share of the apartment, so he didn't really have any problems financially.

Dean and Cas had gone out for that weekend, but they must've come home early because he could hear their voices evident from outside his room.

Sam got changed into his usual plaid and jeans, then headed out where he could see Cas, who held the biggest grin across his face, and Dean looked pretty happy two, but Sam could tell when his brother was worried. Today was no exception.

"What's up?" He asked them, casually walking to the kitchen area and pouring out some deep black coffee.  
"I uh..." Dean stuttered, "Me and Cas..."  
"We're getting engaged!" Cas said happily, unable to contain his joy.

Sam hesitated for a brief moment, but then beamed, "That's fantastic!" He said, genuinely happy for them, and proud of himself for being so.  
Dean lit up suddenly at Sam's approval. He was terrified that Sam would get mad again, like last time, when they announced their relationship.  
"You really mean it?" Dean asked, as he wanted to check that Sam was really okay and not just pretending for their sake.  
"Honestly! I'm _really_ happy for you guys." He gave Dean a small nod to prove how honest he was being, which clearly settled it for Dean.

Cas and Dean really were getting married. Despite Sam's complete and undeniable happiness for the both of them, he was a little bit sad that he was still alone. It kind o made him feel like the third wheel. Plus, he doubted they'd want him to stay if they were married, protective sibling or not, Sam didn't want to be in the way of their lives. He hated being a burden. But Sam wasn't going to let his feelings ruin it for them, they deserved to be happy, and with each other. Sam was a different story, he could handle his self.

-

Cas and Dean had set the date for their engagement party, and decided to hold it at the apartment, as they didn't have that much money to spare for renting anywhere out. Cas had a _really _big family, so it was going to be pretty cramped, but that didn't seem to matter for the happy couple.

"How many brothers and sisters do you have again?" Sam asked Cas, as they sat around the coffee table, Cas was happily writing out invitations, his sea-blue eyes staring intently at the names as he carefully wrote them out. Dean was sat to his left, drinking from a beer bottle and couldn't be helping him any less. Sam was opposite them both, trying to visualise how bad it was going to be with all these guests.

"Only six." He said, followed with a brief nod, "There are Michael, Gabriel, Ana, Naomi, Samandriel and Lucifer." He then added, "But Michael and Lucifer don't really get along, so I'm not sure if Lucifer will turn up..."

"And Ana's the one with two kids?"

"Three, she had the third last year, remember?" He told Sam then it dawned on him the reason to Sam's ignorance. They hadn't told Sam because he was... Going through issues of his own.

"Oh..." Sam said, feeling a pang of guilt, he the realised they were both looking up at him with concerned looks, "It's fine, I'm fine." He assured, with a wave of his large hand.

"I don't see why you're bothering with individual invitations." Dean said, swiftly changing the subject, "Why not just create an event on facebook?"

"Dean! That just kills the point. I want to show them that I considered them, I didn't just flick through a list on a social network!" Cas exclaimed to his fiancé, who just laughed a little at how determined Cas was.

On the day of the engagement party, Sam and Cas were rushing about, trying to make sure everything was clean and ready before the guests arrived, as Dean quickly popped out to get some champagne. Cas had forgot it, and was _certain_ that it was needed to 'conform' to the usual host standards.

They were just about done when the first knock came at the door. Both of them darted to the door, Cas arriving first and Sam stood back. He didn't understand why Cas needed this to be so perfect, but he guessed that just came with trying to keep a peaceful family. It must've sucked to have grown up with brothers who argue _all_ the time.

To Cas' relief it was just Adam, Sam and Dean's half-brother, who had arrived early. "Hi Cas!" He said, and passed Cas a present, "Congratulations!" He exclaimed, patting Cas on the shoulder, "Where's Dean?" He then asked as he walked in the apartment's front room.

"Hey Adam," Sam then said, Adam had no idea of Sam's previous issues as Sam hadn't seen, or spoken to him since the funeral. Sam knew Adam was also recalling this, because he gave his older brother a sort of pitying look, "Hey Sam, how's things?"  
"Great." He said, with a forced, friendly smile. "It's good to see you." He then said honestly, as Adam pulled him into a brief, but meaningful, hug.

"Dean has just gone out to the shop." Cas said, placing the present on the coffee table. "Thanks." He then said and smiled at Adam, who had just pulled away from the hug with Sam.

Conveniently, at that moment, Dean walked in with two bottles of champagne in both of his hands, and his keys balancing off of his pinkie. "Adam!" He exclaimed happily, passing the bottles to Cas and bringing his brother into a hug. "It's good to see you!"  
"Good to see you two." Adam replied enthusiastically, to his older brother.

After a while they all settled and began talking about different things, Dean and Cas strategically avoiding the subject of Sam's drug issues when another knock finally came at the door.

Cas jumped to get it, but Sam moved quicker. "It's okay Cas, I'll get it." He said reassuringly. He could tell Cas was becoming increasingly nervous with all of his family coming, and Sam wanted to make it easier.

He opened the door slowly to find the complete opposite on the other side. He was rather short, with very light brown eyes and latte-coloured hair. He had a chocolate bar in his hand, randomly biting at it as though he hadn't eaten in weeks. Sam would be lying if he said this man wasn't attractive, but at the same time he seemed all over the place at once.

"Well hello there~" He said with an ooze of confidence in his voice, eyeing Sam up and down, this made Sam increasingly nervous. He didn't really understand why.  
Cas quickly rushed over and pulled his brother in, "Hello Gabriel." He said, seeming slightly embarrassed.  
"Aw Cassie aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? Don't tell me this is Dean?" He said, looking back at Sam who still held onto the door, stumped by how fast Cas' reaction was.

"That's Dean." He said, pointing to the couch, where said person was watching the situation, clearly entertained, "That's Dean's brother, Sam. Guys this is Gabriel," He said, as Dean smirked.  
"Cassie?"  
"Shut up Dean." Cas moaned, his face flushing crimson, how he hated that nickname.  
Gabriel was still looking at Sam with a raised eyebrow as Cas pulled him down on the sofa by his wrist.

"Have you heard anything on who else is coming?" Cas asked his brother eagerly, Gabriel shook his head.

"Cassie, I don't think Lucifer or Michael are going to turn up. I'm sorry, you know how those two are. Always digging at each other's throats, Ana and Naomi _are_ coming though, Ana's going to bring the baby." He said, giving his younger brother a weak smile and a hearty nudge. Cas would be lying if he said he wasn't disappointed, part of him wished they could all be together again, like they were when Dad was around. But he was being naive and he knew that it wouldn't ever be that way again. They would never manage to be the happy family again, but Cas could live with that. Besides, he had made his own, awesome, family, and for this, Cas smiled back at his brother. Then at Sam, and finally at his Dean. 


End file.
